Middle Earth Mega Project

With the removal of the Grima and his prophesies of pessimism, whining- bitchery and Emotional Vampirism, Theoden King is now back to being a force to be reckoned with.

When the Uruk Hai danger appeared, he bravely retreated to Helmsdeep, leaving a note for the milkman at the entrance gate of Edoras saying that they were on vacation to Rivendell. The orcs were half way back to Isengard before someone suggested that this might have been a ruse.

Now trapped and surrounded in Helmsdeep, Theoden nearly got out of the jaws of Saruman’s latest trap by turning the lights down and the TV sound off. This cunning ruse only to be discovered at the 11th hour after Haldir and his Elves had been on the Babycham, whilst watching re-runs of old Middle-Eartho-Vision Song Contest finals, accompanied by an irate Dwarf who claimed not to be interested, yet remained stubbornly perched on the sofa nearest the exit door for the entire duration, who then absent-mindedly answered the front door to a Goblin dressed as a pizza boy!

Unprepared for the brilliance of the mind of Saruman and the dimness of his allies, Theoden must now fight to defend his stone cold party pad from being crashed by the multitudinous minions of the White Hand.

All had been going splendidly in the battle with Theoden relying on the somewhat basic, yet satisfyingly messy tactic, of pretending to leave his section of the ramparts empty, then when the orcs tried to bung a ladder up and where almost at the top, Theoden would yell “Whoopsie!” in his best  Falsetto, pushing the ladder away from the wall, flinging the unfortunates orcs to their sticky demise on the rocks below.

In fact this tactic had been repeated so many times on the halfwits of the White Hand, that the base of Theoden’s section of the wall took on the likeness of a Devon cream tea, being topped with a red jam like mess. Theoden could quite happily have done this for the rest of the day, and was enjoying himself immensely, until someone down the Elf Section (it’s always the Elves!) started making a fuss and asking for of all things, a box!

Only having had turned his back for a minute to sort these idiots out, to find a fresh ladder had been slapped against the wall and now fully scaled by orcs. With their General Melchett approach to tactics briefly described/plagiarised in the following bastardised Black Adder quote:,  “We will catch the watchful RoHun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we’ve done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they’ll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem. Theoden always tips the lads on the ladder over in the first 10 seconds!” With the ladder-Tipper temporarily distracted by the stumpy related squabbling in the ranks, the the Toe-Rags now have a Toe-Hold in Helms Deep.

Inexplicably the individual Uruk Hai given the job of going first on the ladder, rather than choosing to wear a full suit of armour, has rather coloufuly plumped for a fetching ensemble of sandles, loincloth and upturned metal bucket with drilled eye holes and cut out mouth! Briefly stunned by this armed vision of Gimpery, and not quite sure where to look, Theoden steels himself for the onslaught!

I leave you now at the crucial cliffhanger of the age, Saruman has taken an Inch, can Theoden jump into the fray and turn the tide, before Saruman takes a Foot leaving Rohan without a Leg to stand on!!!

The Dead Marshes, Arguably the squelchiest place in Middle Earth, which is really saying something considering the close runners up for the title included: the King of Goblin Towns Posing Pouch and the under-flaps of Gollum’s Loin Cloth!

The Elves not content to dislike the area for it’s perpetual pong, lingering stink and general oozing crapulance, have taken particular offence to the spectral residents sartorial stubbornness, failing to keep up with the times by still wearing the armour of old, the second age, which they see as “So0O0o Dagorlad”! And as such this “wart on the arse of Middle Earth” has yet to be visited by our somewhat effete chums from Rivendell who seek more floral climbs for their outings!!

This is no deterrent to Gollum, who undaunted by the reeking honk is well adapted to the traveling through goo and gunk. Unhindered by armour, equipment and clothes other than a warg leather loincloth of skimpier proportions than an Essex Girls Bikini,  and all slimed up, he’s harder to hold onto than a greased pinball in a cowpat on curry night! Lets just hope that Frodo and Sam don’t get “Bogged Down” and distracted by the local spectral residents and their perpetual prank of fart lighting to way lay weary travellers!

These Guys are the ‘Ard Boiz’ of Mordor and live in a partially constructed Giant Lighthouse with an upturned, upcycled waste paper basket with eyes and features clumsily cut out of it to resemble the boss, as a somewhat weak interior design statement of allegiance/possible piss take!

At the time of photography they have got the right hump about their giant guard spider getting squished up the jaxi by an unknown assailant, and now wound up like a nest of wasps angrier than John McEnroe on tennis court, these guys are of to vent their rage on whoever did this! Adding insult to below the belt injury, some snivelling git tried to purloin the captain’s new found favourite shiney-shirt, under the guise of commandeering it for the war effort!

These lads have had enough and I just hope they don’t encounter a valiant yet stumpy assailant, too short to fight by the Queensbury rules, as they charge downstairs at a distinct disadvantage to a well armed master of the low-blow, who’s every stab and swing is  aimed squarely at groin level!

No “Middle Earth Mega Project” would be complete without ‘the One Ring’.

I decided that I needed a fun and obvious marker to place down whenever Frodo, Bilbo, Gollum or whoever, got their greasy fingers on the ring.

I decided to mount it on a regular infantry GW base to match the size of any likely ring bearers. I then painted it with a slightly angry fire-filled look, to add an element of character to it, as if it has it’s own will and potency within. Almost as if someone had poured their cruelty, their malice and their will to dominate all life within.

I am really happy with the result and have used it in one of my recent games.

This guy has got to be the foulest looking character in all the Middle Earth based films and was described as ‘more cruel  than any Orc’ in the LotR.

A great evil-looking bad guy for the tabletop. He is an upper mid level hero and magician with a potential for a serious impact on the tabletop, if used correctly.

I added a 3 washes of ‘Agrax Earthshade’ to give his previously too clean looking teeth and gums a putrid poisonous look, to match the character in the film. I like what Peter Jackson did in suggesting that Sauron’s words were so poisonous, that they infected and twisted this Black Numenorean in such an obvious and foul way!

The images show the Mouth of Sauron going about his daily business in Barad Dur, which clearly consists of pointing to look important, wearing an hugely over sized helmet and gassing the Orcs with Dog-Breath that could cut through bank volts!

He could have had a lucrative career as a model for Dentist Posters warning tantrummy toothbrush spurning toddlers of the dangers in not brushing and flossing! But instead of raking in the Sponsorship from Colgate, he turned to evil and took up residence in giant black spikey light house!

This is one character that should have been to the Orc-adontist and is even less likely to get snogged than Grima Wormtongue!

Something snivels and slimes across the ramparts of Helmsdeep, why it’s Grima Wormtongue!

Before we go any further, I have to ask the question “who at H.R. accepted this man’s C.V. for the let’s give him a interview pile?”. One can’t help but ponder why the Royal Household of Rohan didn’t have a better vetting policy, particularly with a name like that!

Slimier than Sammy the Slugs trip to the Durex Lube Factory! This guy has rules to represent his odious ability to pour treacle into the gears of a good army, and is very effective for his low points cost.

This is one character where the rules really bring this fawning, low handed and treacherous gits personality and atmosphere to the tabletop.

Grima’s on screen antics constitute as strong an argument for Sex on the NHS as I have ever seen, and if only he had found himself the love of a good Woman, perhaps a lot of bad things wouldn’t have happened in Rohan!

If he had washed the grease out of his hair, let his eyebrows grow back and ditched the snot rag, who knows? perhaps he could have snagged himself a Mrs Wormtongue and lived out his days playing Barry White records every night!

If you are taking Saruman to the tabletop, his toadying, perfidious, gimp of a mate Grima is indispensable!

An Old Man Got us STONED!

Having been done up like three enormous and easily distracted kippers, daylight breaks and the three Trolls are turned into STONE!

For those of you that have read the book, this might well be Middle Earths (or indeed any other realms) first and only recorded ventriloquism related multiple-homicide! Which in my humble experience is unique, not least that it’s usually the ventriloquist dying on his arse!

For Gandalf to have pulled this off, you would expect that he must have given a performance as unique, mesmerising and hilarious as the great Tina Conti! However his trickery boiled down to general pedantry,  contradicting the last speaker, and generally quibling the details of a squishy version of musical chairs involving dwarves in sacks!

N.B. Just a matter of judicial clarification, Bert the Troll’s raised hand does not signify any form of unsavoury political affiliation! I thought this was a prudent area to clarify, as I certainly do not wish to attract the attention of any ‘Internet Trolls’! Arf-arf!

These three Jolly Chaps have taken time out of their busy schedules of gathering up lost equine livestock, burning excess brushwood and running the local “not for profit” lost property office, to enjoy a quiet barbeque after their hard and well intentioned labours.

This evening of simple cuisine and gentle relaxation is rudely interrupted by a vertically challenged malcontent advocating burglary, and escalated by his 13 stumpy accomplices who are en route to separate an elderly resident in the local mountain  from his savings.

Fortunately our three heroes managed to get the drop on the afore mentioned hooligans, who had just maliciously released the lost ponies that Tom, Bert and William had only just finished capturing and rehousing in a temporary paddock, before the nice Nazgul from the RSPCA could arrive. Still the three chaps showing their common decency conducted non lethal “citizens arrests” on all fourteen stubby yobbos, yobbos who were previously armed to the teeth, when our chaps were left to defend themselves armed with a selection of blunt kitchenalia limited to a large apron, a rolling pin and and a bendy, blunt, biodegradable compostable spork!

Now being subdued, the roving malefactors now unable to physically fight, have resorted to the one last act of low malice, trying to put our valiant vigilantes off their food!

This last act of misconduct consisting of largely incoherent shouting of slanderous obscenities, which boil down to something about having an appalling infestation with all the hideous hall marks of  worms, crabs and an acidic urinal yeast infection. Not the ideal back drop to the sophisticated dinner party and witty reparte that was intended, especially as the tone of obscenity had sank to an all time low, as fungal infections of impressive growth, fruiting bodies and bearding were now the topic of the dwarves saprophytic themed abuse!

As long as there are no disturbances by rogue elements of the Royal Shakespeare Company, they can finally get back to having their now very much over done din-dins!

Before anyone has started eating, Bert raises the subject of ‘did anyone remember to bring the Mordor Branded Factor 1,000 Sunblock’, and then the sound and smell of tobacco riddled, beer soaked flatulence cut through the night as someone clumsily approached through the bushes…….!