Middle Earth Mega Project

With the removal of the Grima and his prophesies of pessimism, whining- bitchery and Emotional Vampirism, Theoden King is now back to being a force to be reckoned with.

When the Uruk Hai danger appeared, he bravely retreated to Helmsdeep, leaving a note for the milkman at the entrance gate of Edoras saying that they were on vacation to Rivendell. The orcs were half way back to Isengard before someone suggested that this might have been a ruse.

Now trapped and surrounded in Helmsdeep, Theoden nearly got out of the jaws of Saruman’s latest trap by turning the lights down and the TV sound off. This cunning ruse only to be discovered at the 11th hour after Haldir and his Elves had been on the Babycham, whilst watching re-runs of old Middle-Eartho-Vision Song Contest finals, accompanied by an irate Dwarf who claimed not to be interested, yet remained stubbornly perched on the sofa nearest the exit door for the entire duration, who then absent-mindedly answered the front door to a Goblin dressed as a pizza boy!

Unprepared for the brilliance of the mind of Saruman and the dimness of his allies, Theoden must now fight to defend his stone cold party pad from being crashed by the multitudinous minions of the White Hand.

All had been going splendidly in the battle with Theoden relying on the somewhat basic, yet satisfyingly messy tactic, of pretending to leave his section of the ramparts empty, then when the orcs tried to bung a ladder up and where almost at the top, Theoden would yell “Whoopsie!” in his best  Falsetto, pushing the ladder away from the wall, flinging the unfortunates orcs to their sticky demise on the rocks below.

In fact this tactic had been repeated so many times on the halfwits of the White Hand, that the base of Theoden’s section of the wall took on the likeness of a Devon cream tea, being topped with a red jam like mess. Theoden could quite happily have done this for the rest of the day, and was enjoying himself immensely, until someone down the Elf Section (it’s always the Elves!) started making a fuss and asking for of all things, a box!

Only having had turned his back for a minute to sort these idiots out, to find a fresh ladder had been slapped against the wall and now fully scaled by orcs. With their General Melchett approach to tactics briefly described/plagiarised in the following bastardised Black Adder quote:,  “We will catch the watchful RoHun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we’ve done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they’ll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem. Theoden always tips the lads on the ladder over in the first 10 seconds!” With the ladder-Tipper temporarily distracted by the stumpy related squabbling in the ranks, the the Toe-Rags now have a Toe-Hold in Helms Deep.

Inexplicably the individual Uruk Hai given the job of going first on the ladder, rather than choosing to wear a full suit of armour, has rather coloufuly plumped for a fetching ensemble of sandles, loincloth and upturned metal bucket with drilled eye holes and cut out mouth! Briefly stunned by this armed vision of Gimpery, and not quite sure where to look, Theoden steels himself for the onslaught!

I leave you now at the crucial cliffhanger of the age, Saruman has taken an Inch, can Theoden jump into the fray and turn the tide, before Saruman takes a Foot leaving Rohan without a Leg to stand on!!!