Reply To: Please Change my Mind and Point of View

[onlyonepinman 18062xp 2]

I think the general consencus is that OTT is not an intolerant place, nor is it becoming more so, however I don’t think that is the driver behind the forum topic.  Even if I am correct in that assumption, it is still clear from reading some of the posts that for a number of people it’s more personal than that.

Before I go any further, I want to say this.  I am a big beliver in Hanlon’s Razor, “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance” and so that’s how I will approach this, I suggest we all do the same.  I do not believe for one second that anyone intends or intended any ill will towards anyone else, whether on Wednesday in the discord or via this forum post;  any upset that has been caused is as a result of miscommunication or understanding.  If we agree that as our starting position then I think we can have a much more constructive discussion about community standards, behaviours and etiquette.  If we can’t then I think we’re probably lending some credence to the idea that we are becoming more intolerant.

So rather than beating around the bush with vagueries about whether the community is getting more intolerant etc, let’s summarise where we really are.  We currently have at least one member of the community who feels excluded due to feeling as though they were forced out of a discussion. We also have at least one other community member who feels as though there was a negative reaction to a discussion of a particular subject and feels as though that reaction was unjustified.   Having been in the Discord on Wednesday, having heard what was said I can see how each party has arrived at the conclusions that they have.  None of us can really say what anyone’s intentions other than our own were and all parties have said very clearly that they meant no offence to anyone else, whether via this forum or live on the Discord.  Let’s just believe them or, if you don’t believe them, see above for Hanlon’s Razon – if you can’t prove malice then don’t assume it.  That’s the only way we can really move on to what’s really important – fixing things so it doesn’t happen again.  Rather than people trying to justfy why they feel a certain way or trying to explain to someone why they are wrong to feel the way that they do, I propose a different approach.

1. We forget about why people feel the way they do and we simply accept it as truth; even if we disagree with their reasoning the fact that they feel a certain way is still true.
2. We accept that while we may not have intentionally set out to make anyone feel bad, for one reason or another we did, albeit unintentionally.  Let’s face it, knowing someone didn’t mean to do something doesn’t usually make us feel any better about it.
3. We look whether or not things could have been done differently such that everyone’s experience would have been improved.
4. We then agree to try and do those things in the future to achieve that goal.

People generally don’t change the way they feel based solely on being told they’re wrong to feel that way, if they did counselling wouldn’t need to be a thing.  People will more readily respond to positive experience of something over simply being told, so let’s commit to creating that positive experience even if that means we have to change our behaviours where we don’t feel like we really did anything wrong to start with.  This is what the discussion really needs to focus on;  the more people try to justify their position, the more people feel the need to justify their own.  The more that happens, the more angry and defensive people are going to get and the more personal it starts to feel.  And honestly reading through this forum, it does feel like it’s getting personal for some people.

Some things went wrong on Wednesday in the discord, everyone involved in that played some small part in that.  Accept your own part in it and more importantly accept how other people perceived it, whether that matches your intention or not.  This applies to all parties.  Then we can move on and try to stop it happening again.